Three years ago I was changed forever. Three years ago I experienced something that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, a stillbirth. Every day since I have thought about my sweet Marianna and always wondered what she would be like. I know a lot of women go through something like this and I know it’s something you can’t understand unless you are one of those women. Below is going to be a letter to my angel and hopefully it can help me heal and help you understand what it’s like to live without all of your children with you. It might be all over the place, and this is hard for me to type but this is real emotion in real time for me.
Happy birthday my sweet angel. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I often wonder what you would have been like. Would you have brown hair like your daddy or lighter hair like me? Would you have been the one who got my blue eyes or would you be a brown eyed beauty like your siblings? Would you be super sassy or a sweetheart? I do know one thing, you would of been perfect. I can picture you and Mia playing together and Mia making you her little doll, dressing you up and giving you makeovers. You would love it too, because I know how much Axel loves following her around. We talk about you often and Mia makes sure that everyone knows she has a baby sister in heaven. Axel is still learning and trying to understand where you are, he was to little to understand when we met you. August has yet to be introduced to who you are, but he will and he will know how special you are and how he became the rainbow after us losing you. If you were here today I know you would be into princesses and playing babies. I wish I could of heard you laugh, cry, and talk. I’m sure you have the sweetest little voice, and if your anything like the rest of us then you would use your voice a lot! Life is harder without you here with me. When August was born i thought of you and how i didn’t get to hear you cry when you came into this world, when he learned to crawl I thought of you and how I would never see you do that. I’m sure as every big moment comes i will think of you. It breaks my heart that I will never brush your hair, go dress shopping for school dances, plan a birthday party for you, help you through a breakup, or pick out a wedding dress with you. We will never get those moments together and I hate that. But it’s a reminder to make those moments extra special with your siblings that are here. I’ve gotten to a point where if I talk about you I don’t always cry. I love to talk about you and tell people about my child that they don’t get to meet. Holding you for those hours we spent together were very special to me and I will never forget that day. Some days are harder than others. When someone asks how many kids I have I always want to say 4 but I know that it can make people uncomfortable talking about stillbirths. I hope you know that I love you and that I would do anything to have you here with me. Living without you is always hard and some days I don’t want to get out of bed, but I know that if you were here you would be asking for breakfast and needing me just like Mia, Axel, and August do. Mia likes to say that our family who died before you is taking care of you in heaven and that you are so lucky because you get to play with our dog who died a few months after you. One day we will meet again, I hope we do. I need to believe that we will, it helps me get through each day. Every time we see a butterfly we think it’s you coming to say hi to us. My love for you will never die and you will forever be so special to our family. I hope that you feel loved and know that you could never be replaced. I will forever wonder who you would have been and what you would become. Being a mommy to Mia, Axel, you, and August is the best gift I have ever been given. Even if it was a short time we got to spend together, I treasured it. Sometimes thinking about you hurts, but that’s part of living without you here. I love you my sweet girl.